The other day I attempted to describe the way that I am feeling. The best I could do was along the lines of "one can only be completely woebegone for so long before it just can't be done anymore. something else subconscious kicks in and takes over in an attempt to save you." So I seem to be experiencing some mood swings. I am certainly woebegone, conflicted, and feeling like my heart is being torn out due to progress with my mother. This feels like the hardest thing I have ever done. As a result my sleep cycle has turned itself inside out, my eating/hunger patterns have followed the same suit and my apartment is a fucking mess. It is really a mess.
But...during moments of calm something strange takes over. I find myself mindlessly planting plants on my patio and feeling FANTASTIC about it. I up and leave work to go shopping for nothing other than bathing suits and it is THE GREATEST. I tear apart my living room and throw down a drop cloth so I can work on refinishing my dining room table (it looks great by the way- aside from the huge mess I made in the process and the strong polyurethane and mineral spirits fumes) doing such tasks makes me feel like an accomplished and worthy adult. I guess this is just the way it is going to be until all of this blows over. Perhaps I am doomed to spend 85% of the time listlessly shuffling around feeling awful and the remaining time being freakishly happy over trivial things. Luckily in this moment I feel alright. Grey's Anatomy is also playing on my tv. Feeling weird. Hanging in there. Gotta remember in the dark moments that I'll eventually come back to the surface and get to be in this weird okay mood for a little while.
I leave you with a song from none other than The Cure's Wild Mood Swings, "Want"
thanks to readers who have expressed concern in regards to today's earlier post. years and years of my xanga history would paint a picture of what is going on, but at my earliest convenience I will sit down and put together a decent summary of the situation at hand. due to the nature of whats going on it will be helpful to me to sort things out by writing about them and it help make sense of things to the interested reader. this isn't something that I want hanging around on my main page of xanga, but if so you much as ask to be added to my protected posting list I'd consider you a safe person to share this information with. if you'd like to be included you may comment here or message me. means a lot
no turning back now. I am shaking and in actual physical pain. it is amazing how much power the mind actually has over the body. This could be the beginning of the reconciliation that I have always longed for or the beginning of a very violent loss of some of the most important things in life. Quite the gamble. I wish that both possible outcomes didn't have to be so extreme, but I suppose desperate times call for desperate measures. and there is no turning back now.
I find myself in desperate need of some soul searching. I don't really care for the term "soul searching" to begin with, but for lack of a better word I will have to stick with it for the purpose of writing this post. So is soul searching something that I can force? Do I need to get myself into some kind of proper state of mind or environment to promote some profound life realizations? Or might this be some tortuous waiting game that has no definitive end. Whatever way it is supposed to happen I need it to happen and I have it in my mind to try to force it to happen. I need to figure out what I want and need to be happy. For a little over two years I have been shuffling around trying to find meaning in the situation I got myself into. I have been trying to make the best of a situation that I never saw myself in and certainly never wanted to be in. I am unhappy. I don't want to go on this way but I don't know which way I *do* need to go in order to make the change(s) I need.
I am currently in a particularly dismal state. I have always been a 'sweep it under the rug' person- there are lots of ghosts that follow me around and trying to look past the troubles has always been my best defense rather than trying to hash them out as they showed up one after another. This approach has mostly worked out for me especially considering that many of said problems simply don't have a solution. No sense in allowing yourself to be bothered by problems that you are powerless to solve, right? So under the rug they go and on with my life I go. Mostly effective, until....times like this. Maybe there isn't enough room under the rug anymore or maybe its because I have finally worn myself out by trying to stay ahead of the ghosts and now they've caught up to me. Which ever metaphor seems best, I am now in the middle of the most dreaded part of the cycle in which all of the troubles are breaking down my door all at once. I finally hit the point where I can't run from my discontent and all of those things that I thought were securely under the rug are now rearing their head at every turn saying "Hey! Certainly you remember me?"
So within the past couple weeks I hit the breaking point. One would think that I could just focus on only the problems at hand, but no, everything since the last house cleaning is making its presence felt. I can't remember the last time I felt this kind of awful. I can remember recent times of feeling awful; but those were isolated occurrences with distinctly identifiable causes. Not this kind of awful. With this kind of awful I have a hateful version of myself egging me on at every waking moment. Hateful me is watching my every move and berating me every step of the way. "Hey, remember when you thought you'd be a scientist? Wow...just look at you now." "Hey, remember all those good friends you had? Yeah...so where are they now? What? And no word on new friends? Hm...." "Hey, remember that guy that treated you like shit? Don't forget those inkling feelings you've always had that you'll never be loved or respected by a man. I just want to make sure that you haven't forgotten about any of that." "You say you're annoyed by the neighbor kids that were in your way earlier? I mean, living in a low quality place is what you deserve for not being able to secure an actual job for yourself you failure. Better yet, why not just go back to that shit hole that you came from? Isn't that what all signs are pointing to anyway?" "Heard that last semester you were at such a loss for anyone to talk to that you had to go counseling. Seriously, the only person you could talk was someone you had to *pay* for them to listen? Wow, you really are pathetic." and the list goes on and on for all of the things that hateful Jodie has to say right now. Everything has the potential to upset me right now. I am a bit afraid that I may have a break down in an inappropriate place or something. I am so low that I have been shocked and even somewhat amused at what kinds of things have been able to get to me lately. The only remedy is to perform a system shut down until it is safe to proceed. Its like I have to step back and quit caring about things to take away their power to hurt me and only then can I creep back up to address them. Feeling like an absolute academic failure? Become overwhelmed with sadness every time you think about it now? Gotta stop caring. If you don't care it won't hurt you so much. Maybe you can look into it again sometime later.
I need to do some soul searching. I think before I do that I just have to let all of the bad stuff wash over me and just wait for it to pass. I have been so closed off. I think I need to find a way to become open so I can allow some effective soul searching to take place. I need to figure out what I want to do because this "I'm unhappy but I don't know what I want" bullshit isn't going to fly. Its pathetic. That last statement might have been inspired by hateful Jodie. Back to soul searching. I need to pinpoint what it is that I want so I can pursue it. I imagine that part of my recent failures can't be entirely attributed to me simply being a failure, but rather that pursuing unclear/undefined goals is no where near as effective as deciding what I want and going after it with all of my might. I can't think of anything in the past two years that I have put such effort towards. Maybe that is why I am unhappy? Especially in times recent I have learned that I cannot allow chance to have any role in this. Or at least play as small of a part as possibly possible. I have to have a state of the union address with me and my life, identify what needs to stay, what needs to go, where I want to go, and finally decide how to get there so I can get to it already.
My question is, how does one effectively do this? Do I need to go to the Bahamas and sit silently by the beach for days on end or do I need to leave behind my shoes and go disappear into the uncharted forest for a good while? Do I need to immerse myself in a happy and relaxing environment or should I continue to allow my discontent to be a motivating factor? Do I need to surround myself with loved ones and let them in on my woes or do I need to spend time alone and completely free of intrusion and bias? I genuinely do not know how to approach it. Any suggestions are of value and greatly appreciated.
This wasn't planned, but it seems fitting to conclude this post by explaining what was meant by my previous one. The lyrics are from Placebo's song B3. Placebo being my favorite band of all time has naturally always done an exquisite job at speaking to me; but this song in particular because it happened instantly (no time needed to 'grow into' the song, if you will) and the timing of such a sentiment being expressed in song form coinciding with me feeling as I have been lately. Many Placebo songs are quite dark , which of course I like, but this one is uncommonly hopeful for the band. It is hopeful without being overdone. Brian Molko highlights some of his past troubles and then says "passion flower, Catherine Wheel, higher power- help me start to heal". I was not previously privy to 'Catherine Wheel' and this is definitely my interpretation, but it turns out there is a band called Catherine Wheel which I assume Brian Molko feels some kind of connection with. In this lyric I imagine him appealing to these nice things that he likes: passion flowers are nice, Catherine Wheel is to Brian Molko as Placebo is to Jodie, and possible channels for positive feelings seem a bit slim so we'll just throw "higher power" in there as well. I feel like he is asking for help from the few things he can identify with. I feel like he is asking for help quite desperately and in the only way he knows how. After several days of not drinking alcohol, late last night I sat on my living room floor buzzed on wine and from an online chat with no less that 4 Trinitys at once (whom I get to see tomorrow!) and I let Placebo speak to me. So up the lyrics went on Xanga in hopes that if no one else understood at least my higher power would and, possibly, help me start to heal.